A Visit from Dr. Hitmore

Setting: Visitor's clubhouse at The Trop. Dr. Hitmore, a specialist in diseases of the offense, pays a visit to the ailing Red Sox. Assembled are the players, Tito, and hitting coach Dave Magadan.

Dr. Hitmore: After watching a sampling of your away games, including these last two in Tampa Bay and analyzing the hitting patterns in different situations, I have come to a reasonably conclusive diagnosis. I recommend you all sit down for this one.

Tito: That bad, eh?

Dr. Hitmore: I'm afraid it is rather bad news, Mr. Francona. This team is suffering from a rather severe case of (the doctor takes a deep breath) RISP-itis.

Tito: Oh man, not rispitis! That's what I was afraid of.

Dr. Hitmore: There is an acute lack of hitting when there are runners in scoring position, which is the cardinal symptom of rispitis--

Manny: Can we leave the Cardinals out of this, man? We seen enough of them already this season.

Dr. Hitmore: Mr. Ramirez, I was using the word "cardinal" to mean--

Youk: Don't worry about him, doc. Just chalk it up to Manny being Manny.

Manny (with fists raised) : You want to take this outside, Youk-man?

Tito: That'll be enough, boys. Let's pay attention to what this doctor is saying. We need all the help we can get on our hitting game. Them Rays, they're not just a bunch of little devils anymore.

Dr. Hitmore: Thank you, Mr. Francona. Now if I may continue, rispitis is a very serious matter. It could be fatal if not promptly treated. Fatal to your chances of making it to the post-season and repeating your World Championship. Some of you have a more severe case than others. For example, Mr. Varitek, Mr. Ramirez, and Mr. Lugo, your bats are on life support right now. However, no one on this team is immune. Even you, Mr. Lowell. Although you may have a milder case than some of your teammates, you were affected tonight with bases loaded in the eighth. Mr. Ellsbury, you showed improvement in getting on base tonight, but you didn't have any opportunities to drive in runs. Here Mr. Wakefield pitched a solid seven innings, allowing only two runs, and the rispitis of the offensive players lets him down. Mr. Wakefield has to be perfect to allow himself a chance to win.

Tito: So what's treatment for rispitis, Dr. Hitmore?

Dr. Hitmore: The treatment has to start with you, Mr. Magadan. You have to help these players develop better plate discipline and refrain from the temptation to swing at those high fastballs, or anything that is clearly out of the strike zone. It's like being on a diet and having a doughnut right in front of your face. You eat the doughnut, you blow your diet. You chase the high fastball with two strikes and runners in scoring position, you blow your team's chances to score in the inning. Perhaps mild electric shocks administered to the players' hands, via electrodes implated in batting gloves, whenever the player chases the high heat.

Youk: Like Tito would ever shock us!

Dr. Hitmore: He wouldn't have to, Mr. Youkilis. The electrode would be attached to a little computer chip that senses the location of the pitch and the movement of the bat. Hey, it worked on our test subjects. The Sea Dogs are really laying off the upstairs stuff now. We took the electrodes out last week and they're still leaving their bats on their shoulders when they see one whizzing by up north. RBI numbers are through the roof.

Tito: I don't know about this. What if there's a malfunction and a bunch of guys end up on the DL, or worse?

Dr. Hitmore: I know how much you care about the health and safety of your players, Mr. Francona, and I admire you for that. I can assure you that this system will not endanger any of your players and once it proves effective, you'll see dramatic improvement of the rispitis. In fact, you can program it to shock when a batter gets under the ball too much or rolls over it. Any situation that adversely affects hitting performance with runners in scoring position can be programmed to deliver a shock. As for side effects, the other team may laugh at the batter when he strikes out on a high fastball, or whatever other situation you program the system for, but this could have an advantage for your team. The laughter may break the opposing team's concentration and they make more errors. A win-win situation. And let's face it, your team needs to win.

Tito: Mags, what do you think? Should we give it a try?

Magadan: Do we have any other options at this point? We need to put some meaningful hits together. I say we go for it.

Dr. Hitmore: A very wise decision, gentlemen. I will send my technician over tomorrow to fit each batter for the new gloves. Now if you'll excuse me, I must answer a call from a Mr. Hank Steinbrenner. The Rangers are giving his team a hard time.

Tito: Before you go, do you know of anyone who can help our pitching staff, particularly our relievers?

Dr. Hitmore: That would be my colleague, Dr. Zonefinder. I'll put a call in to him today.

Tito: Thank you, doctor.


DISCLAIMER: This skit is a satire. I'm not advocating zapping the Sox hitters or performing any other science experiments on them to improve the team's offense. However, something needs to be done to light a fire under them. Not an actual fire, mind you, but a little more joie de vivre at the plate wouldn't hurt.