Because laughter is the best medicine for abject frustration and despair on the subject of the free falling Red Sox, here's a peek at what happened behind closed doors: (Warning: some NSFW language)
VISITORS' CLUBHOUSE, TROPICANA FIELD, JUNE 27, 2016
DOMBROWSKI: You're killin' me, guys! KILLIN' ME! The goddamn Tampa Bay Rays have lost ELEVEN STRAIGHT and were making us look like the freakin' Chicago Cubs in comparison and what do we do? We give up NINE MOTHERFUCKIN' RUNS in the first three innings! To the juggernaut offense that is the TAMPA BAY FUCKIN' RAYS!
HANLEY: I thought they were the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
PEDEY: Hello? What rock have you been sleeping under for the last 8 years, dude? Last time they were the Devil Rays, Julio Strangeglove Lugo was my double play partner.
DOMBROWSKI: Speaking of double plays, who leads THE MAJORS in grounding into them? YOU, Dustin Luis Pedroia! YOU! Ever thought of putting the ball in the air with the bases loaded and less than two out? Allow me to introduce you to the concept of a sacrifice fly.
EDUARDO RODRIGUEZ: Yeah, PEDEY! How does it feel to get eaten out by the boss man?
DOMBROWSKI: Have you been hanging out with Remy? I was CHEWING OUT Pedey. Speaking of chewing, when you gonna throw something that's not a meatball RIGHT SMACK DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLATE???
EDUARDO: But my amigo Clay said...
DOMBROWSKI: When did I hire CLAY "BATTING PRACTICE" BUCHHOLZ to be the pitching coach? Speaking of the pitching coach, WHATCHA TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS? The entire pitching staff, save for maybe one certain knuckleballer...
WRIGHT: I'm never pitching in a sauna AGAIN, you hear me?
PRICE: I hear ya, bro! Texas can kiss my ASTRO!
ASTRO: Woof Woof!
DOMBROWSKI: Very apt description of this team's pitching, Astro. Unfortunately, the pickins are slim out on the trade market and Sox Nation will have a stroke if I send Mookie, Xander, Moncada, and Benny to Atlanta for a guy whose last name sounds like the capital of Iran. Hey, is Farrell still breathing over there? I haven't heard a peep outta him about how he's lost control of the clubhouse and how he won't give his best hitter some time to rest his weary limbs.
XANDER: I'm knackered, boss! So completely knackered I don't know where my arms and legs are half the time. The errors, they keep coming because I need a NAP! (Yawns)
MOOKIE: How am I supposed to hit clutch 15-run home runs every time I come to the plate, man? The struggle is real, boss, it's REAL!
FARRELL: Don't mind me. I'm planning my FEXIT. I've brought some candidates to replace me.
WILL FERRELL: Baseball's pretty fun, guys. Remember when I played for a bunch of different teams last year during Spring Training?
PHARRELL: Because I'm HAPPY! Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. Because I'm HAPPY! Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth. Hire me, Boss, because a HAPPY team is a WINNING team.
TOREY LOVULLO: What am I? Chopped liver?
DOMBROWSKI: Where's Buck Showalter when we need him?
PAPI: He in the O's dugout while they start runnin' away with da division! Me, I'm hella glad this season's my last. My feet, they be KILLIN' me, man!
JBJ: I sure miss my hitting streak. Those were good times, right X-man?
MOOKIE: Shhhhhhh! X is sleeeeeeeeeeeeping because the skip made his tired ass play and risk injuring the limbs he sometimes forgets he has.
PORCELLO: On the bright side, I pitch tomorrow. Cookies anyone? I made them myself and if I do say so, they're delicious.
DOMBROWSKI: I'm sure the Rays will enjoy them tomorrow. Logan Forsythe is fond of chocolate chip, but Evan Longoria prefers peanut butter and Desmond Jennings gobbles up oatmeal raisin.
WRIGHT: Why can't I PITCH in this dome? Knuckleballs LOVE domes. They're nice and climate-controlled. Just ask Wake.
BUCHHOLZ: Whatever. As long as I get to make my next start. I'm going for the record for runs given up in the first inning. How about 7? Over/Under?
PEDEY: Suck it, CLAY! Want me to rip YOU a new one too, because I will. I made Eddie cry.
EDUARDO: I got some rosin in my eye, give me a break!
HANLEY: Remember how I hit a couple of home runs last week? I'm da MAN!
DOMBROWSKI: Then WHY DO YOU INSIST ON LOOKING AT STRIKE THREE WITH THE BASES LOADED??? Can ANYBODY lead this GODDAMN team?
DONALD TRUMP: On the minuscule chance that my campaign funds run dry, I can MAKE THE RED SOX GREAT AGAIN.
DOMBROWSKI: Thanks, but no thanks. NEXT!
BOBBY VALENTINE: Honey, I'm still free! Take a chance on me!
DOMBROWSKI: Um...NO! NEXT!
PEDEY: You could bring that Moncada kid up to play my position and I'll do it. You've SEEN how good I am at lighting a fire under their asses.
DOMBROWSKI: Tempting as it is to cut back on the double plays this team grounds into, you yelled at Eddie and the team still lost. NEXT!
TEK: I hear former catchers make fine managers and nobody can forget how I made A-Rod eat leather back in '04
PEDRO: I can be da pitching coach. I can teach them all to pitch like it's me in 1999.
DOMBROWSKI: Intriguing...
I'm not necessarily advocating that Tek and Pedro, neither of whom have coaching experience, jumping in as manager and pitching coach. However, can the pitching get any worse than it is right now?
