Has anyone seen Commander Kick-Ass? He's gone missing. He was supposed to report to the mound at Rogers Centre tonight at 7:05, but some other guy showed up instead. He looks a lot like the Commander, a.k.a. Josh Beckett, but he sure as hell doesn't pitch like him. We've seen That Other Guy on the mound before, in Philly during interleague play and for the better part of April, but most of the time, we see The Commander instead. Guess even ass-kickers need a vacation every now and then.
The Sox won tonight, thanks to the lumber. Quel surprise! It took 10 runs to close the deal thanks to some 8th-inning shenanigans by our high-wire closer who looked about as discombobulated as That Other Guy Who Looks Like Beckett. Big Papi partied like it was June at the plate with a 2-RBI double and a dinger. Everyone in the lineup, even Gonzo The Glove, he of the .210 average, chimed in with a hit. Ricky Romero, one of the few rookies the Sox knock around this season (they OWN this kid) was chased after 3 2/3.
So I hear the quirky Rays skipper Joe Maddon dipped into the Grecian Formula to spark his team in anticipation of a "themed road trip". Ummm...bring me up to speed here: since when do baseball road trips have themes? MLB Fan House has a hilarious "Dugout" column about Maddon's latest exploit, featuring a parody of those ubiquitous "Just for Men" ads. Will the dye job work? For the sake of our Sox, let's hope not. Besides, I just can't see Tito sporting a rug; it just ain't right and it's scary on so many levels... The dome stays chrome.
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Sink or Swim
I've come to the point where I blog only when I feel like I have something to say. Lazy, maybe, but it's a long, 162-game season and the way the Sox have been playing in the second half, save for a few bright spots (last night's game, for one), has been uninspiring, to say the least. They are still in the lead for the Wild Card, however, and that's what this blog's about.
From tomorrow's game forward, this team needs to play hard, play smart, and just plain PLAY BETTER! Watching the Little League games is more fun than watching the big boys play lately. On that note, congrats to the Peabody, Mass. team for advancing to the Little League World Series. They could seriously teach their Red Sox heroes a little about clutch hitting. The offense needs to produce consistently. The starters need to do a better job at holding runners on and pitching more economically. The same can be said for the bullpen, who may have been playing over their heads in the first few months of the season, especially Delcarmen and Ramirez. Defense needs to improve too.
I'm not offering this as an excuse, but all the roster shakeups of late can be rough on team chemistry. When you don't know who will be playing where from game to game, how can you be expected to play as a team? Adam LaRoche was a Red Sox for, like, five minutes, as was Chris Woodward. Their teammates get to know them and then they're gone. Shakeups can be a good thing, but there's something to be said for too much of a good thing. Who's on first? What's on second? I don't know who's locker's next to mine now... You think Tito and Millsy will go on the road with an Abbott and Costello bit anytime soon?
It's time for the 2009 Red Sox to show the rest of the league and the fans just who they are. Are they the 2006 (or pre-2004) team who folds it up early and hits the links in October? Or are they the 2005 team, who makes the playoffs, but gets their clocks cleaned once they get there? Perhaps last year's team, who came one win short of the World Series. It looks highly unlikely that they are the 2004 or 2007 teams who went all the way, but just about anything can happen in the game of baseball. Sink or swim, boys (and that includes the ones that run this show).
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!
From tomorrow's game forward, this team needs to play hard, play smart, and just plain PLAY BETTER! Watching the Little League games is more fun than watching the big boys play lately. On that note, congrats to the Peabody, Mass. team for advancing to the Little League World Series. They could seriously teach their Red Sox heroes a little about clutch hitting. The offense needs to produce consistently. The starters need to do a better job at holding runners on and pitching more economically. The same can be said for the bullpen, who may have been playing over their heads in the first few months of the season, especially Delcarmen and Ramirez. Defense needs to improve too.
I'm not offering this as an excuse, but all the roster shakeups of late can be rough on team chemistry. When you don't know who will be playing where from game to game, how can you be expected to play as a team? Adam LaRoche was a Red Sox for, like, five minutes, as was Chris Woodward. Their teammates get to know them and then they're gone. Shakeups can be a good thing, but there's something to be said for too much of a good thing. Who's on first? What's on second? I don't know who's locker's next to mine now... You think Tito and Millsy will go on the road with an Abbott and Costello bit anytime soon?
It's time for the 2009 Red Sox to show the rest of the league and the fans just who they are. Are they the 2006 (or pre-2004) team who folds it up early and hits the links in October? Or are they the 2005 team, who makes the playoffs, but gets their clocks cleaned once they get there? Perhaps last year's team, who came one win short of the World Series. It looks highly unlikely that they are the 2004 or 2007 teams who went all the way, but just about anything can happen in the game of baseball. Sink or swim, boys (and that includes the ones that run this show).
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
V-Mart and Reddick and Youk, Oh My!
It's been awhile since we've seen the Sox break out the brooms and that's what they did this weekend to the O's at Camden. A sweep, and especially a road sweep, is just what the team needed to turn their turbulent second half around. In the first post-trade deadline series, there was a close game (Friday night's 6-5 win), a shutout (Saturday's 4-0) and a slugfest (today's 18-10 rout) The bookend games were about the offense picking up the Richter Scale pitching and the centerpiece was a Beckett gem, with one-inning cameos from Oki and Bard.
V-Mart showed the Red Sox why they made the right choice in trading for him by knocking 6 hits with 5 RBI in the series. All but one of those hits came this afternoon, when he tied his career high with a 5-hit game. Saturday night he spelled Lowell by playing first while Youk slid across to third and today he was behind the plate. Speaking of Youk, the guy's seriously raking. He was relentless against the O's, going 10 for 12 in the series with 3 walks and 5 RBI. AA call-up Josh Reddick, a 22-year-old outfielder who has yet to see action in Pawtucket, made a Jacoby Ellsbury in 2007-esque splash, going 4 for 11 with a single, two doubles, and his first major-league long ball. He made his major league debut as a pinch-hitter on Friday and started both Saturday and Sunday, due to injuries to Drew and J-Bay. If he keeps hitting like that, it'll be hard not to keep him up with the big club. At the very least, if he gets sent back down it should be to AAA Pawtucket, and then re-called next month when the roster expands.
Sweeping this series was especially important for the Sox because the next two stops on this road trip are The Trop and the Wind Tunnel (a.k.a. The New Yankee Stadium). Lester will pitch in both series and Beckett will pitch in the Yanks series. The rest of the rotation is very sketchy (Wakey, come back!) Let's hope the offense produces like they did in the O's series because these two coming up are going to be very interesting...
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!!
V-Mart showed the Red Sox why they made the right choice in trading for him by knocking 6 hits with 5 RBI in the series. All but one of those hits came this afternoon, when he tied his career high with a 5-hit game. Saturday night he spelled Lowell by playing first while Youk slid across to third and today he was behind the plate. Speaking of Youk, the guy's seriously raking. He was relentless against the O's, going 10 for 12 in the series with 3 walks and 5 RBI. AA call-up Josh Reddick, a 22-year-old outfielder who has yet to see action in Pawtucket, made a Jacoby Ellsbury in 2007-esque splash, going 4 for 11 with a single, two doubles, and his first major-league long ball. He made his major league debut as a pinch-hitter on Friday and started both Saturday and Sunday, due to injuries to Drew and J-Bay. If he keeps hitting like that, it'll be hard not to keep him up with the big club. At the very least, if he gets sent back down it should be to AAA Pawtucket, and then re-called next month when the roster expands.
Sweeping this series was especially important for the Sox because the next two stops on this road trip are The Trop and the Wind Tunnel (a.k.a. The New Yankee Stadium). Lester will pitch in both series and Beckett will pitch in the Yanks series. The rest of the rotation is very sketchy (Wakey, come back!) Let's hope the offense produces like they did in the O's series because these two coming up are going to be very interesting...
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
V-Mart Open for Business...
...and featuring a fine collection of First Basemen. The Red Sox made their statement yesterday in a hunt for lumber that brought coveted (though maybe not quite as much as Adrian Gonzalez) catcher/1B Victor Martinez to Boston, along with a first baseman switcheroo with Atlanta, shipping Adam "we hardly knew ye" LaRoche to the Braves and getting Casey Kotchman, former Brave and Angel, in return. Cliff Lee is a Phillie and Roy Halladay is still taking the hill north of the border. The Sox have upgraded their offensive attack, but are still vulnerable when Beckett and Lester aren't on the mound.
Overall, I like the trades and I'm glad the team made some much needed improvement on the offensive end of things. They had been clawing and scratching for runs lately and perhaps adding a bat like V-Mart, though he is slumping at the moment, could spark the on-again, off-again offense. A change of scenery and more protection in the lineup may help the switch-hitting slugger who gave the Red Sox fits whenever he played against them. It will take some lineup juggling on the part of the skipper, but that kind of depth means the team will not have to rely as heavily on Mike Lowell as they did in the first half. Kotchman is younger and hits for a higher average than LaRoche, albeit with less power. He also has a better glove and fits the bench role better than the guy he's replacing.
Pitching still worries me, however. Halladay would have been great, but the Jays played hardball with all teams interested in snagging him and as a result, he stays put. As it is now, Beckett and Lester are a formidable 1-2 punch. After them, the Sox have a glut of #5 starters (or those who wish they could be #5 starters). Buchholz shows promise, but he's still hampered with confidence issues when men are on base. Penny can be very good one outing and horrid the next. Dice's season was lost to the WBC and poor offseason conditioning. Smoltz is an experiment that just didn't pay off. He's trying as hard as he can, but the magic is gone. He has yet to have a quality start in a Red Sox uniform. Wake's on the DL and we don't know when he'll return and whether he will continue being as effective as he had in the first half. If he can pick up where he left off, he's been pitching like a #3. Of course, he has struggled mightily in the post-season, especially lately. Will the waiver wire this month net the Sox a decent third starter, or will they be more back-enders that the Sox already have too many of. Can Michael Bowden or even Junichi Tazawa fill the gaping hole in the middle of the rotation? We shall see...
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!!
Overall, I like the trades and I'm glad the team made some much needed improvement on the offensive end of things. They had been clawing and scratching for runs lately and perhaps adding a bat like V-Mart, though he is slumping at the moment, could spark the on-again, off-again offense. A change of scenery and more protection in the lineup may help the switch-hitting slugger who gave the Red Sox fits whenever he played against them. It will take some lineup juggling on the part of the skipper, but that kind of depth means the team will not have to rely as heavily on Mike Lowell as they did in the first half. Kotchman is younger and hits for a higher average than LaRoche, albeit with less power. He also has a better glove and fits the bench role better than the guy he's replacing.
Pitching still worries me, however. Halladay would have been great, but the Jays played hardball with all teams interested in snagging him and as a result, he stays put. As it is now, Beckett and Lester are a formidable 1-2 punch. After them, the Sox have a glut of #5 starters (or those who wish they could be #5 starters). Buchholz shows promise, but he's still hampered with confidence issues when men are on base. Penny can be very good one outing and horrid the next. Dice's season was lost to the WBC and poor offseason conditioning. Smoltz is an experiment that just didn't pay off. He's trying as hard as he can, but the magic is gone. He has yet to have a quality start in a Red Sox uniform. Wake's on the DL and we don't know when he'll return and whether he will continue being as effective as he had in the first half. If he can pick up where he left off, he's been pitching like a #3. Of course, he has struggled mightily in the post-season, especially lately. Will the waiver wire this month net the Sox a decent third starter, or will they be more back-enders that the Sox already have too many of. Can Michael Bowden or even Junichi Tazawa fill the gaping hole in the middle of the rotation? We shall see...
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Trading Post
Are the Sox looking to pull off a Green Monster-sized trade before the clock strikes four on Friday? The rumors are flying faster than fly balls out of the new Yankee Stadium. Everyone loves to play GM at this time of the season and I'm no exception. Here's my $.02 on some of these rumors:
1. The Sox may be trying to pull off a trade for both V-Mart and Cliff Lee: It would take a lot to pull off such a blockbuster, but if the Sox could swing it, it would solve two big needs on the team right now. Those needs would be an impact bat and a middle-to-top of the rotation pitcher. With the offense being the way it's been lately, a bat like V-Mart would be a huge help. If he can learn to catch the knuckler, all the better. Cliff Lee may not be Roy Halladay, but acquiring him would be like having another Beckett or Lester and three of those high-quality starters is better than two. Why do we need another starter? After Beckett and Lester, all the Sox have are a bunch of question marks, especially when you consider the post-season. Penny has made a significant contribution this season, but he's a 5-6 inning starter and a #5 on a contending team like the Red Sox. Wake's on the DL and historically has struggled in October. Smoltz--I'm just not convinced he's the solution the front office had hoped he'd be. Buchholz is still finding his way at the major league level and may get dealt in a trade. And Dice-K, he's the biggest question mark of all!
2. The Sox are in the mix for Roy Halladay: Getting a premier pitcher like Roy Halladay would be awesome. However, the haul the Jays would require for him would make getting another bat all but impossible. If the Sox are willing to live with Adam LaRoche as a power bat off the bench--and his career second-half numbers suggest he could be a big contributor--then they could go all out for Halladay. It's possible a salary-dump bat could be had in addition to Doc, possibly Rios, Wells, Rolen, or Scutaro. Scutaro is particularly appealing, given his success as a leadoff hitter.
3. The Sox are knocking down the doors in San Diego in pursuit of Adrian Gonzalez: Gonzalez is a guy who can help the club both now and in the future. He's just 27 and he's hitting balls out of the cavernous Petco Park to the tune of 26 so far this year. The snag in the plan is whether or not the Padres are willing to deal a franchise player and risk alienating their fanbase.
4. The Sox are on the lookout for a right-handed outfielder: With the loss of Kotsay and with Baldelli's health issues, that might not be such a bad idea. The names being kicked around are Cody Ross and Willie Bloomquist. Their batting averages are almost identical, but Ross has the power while Bloomquist can steal some bases. How about Josh Willingham? Those two grand salamis last night were pretty awesome, weren't they? He bats just a shade under .300 and has 16 HR and 39 RBI on the season. Only drawback with him is he's a left fielder and I believe the Sox are looking more to shore up right and possibly center field. That and will the Nats move him?
The next few days are going to be verrrrry interesting...
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!!!
1. The Sox may be trying to pull off a trade for both V-Mart and Cliff Lee: It would take a lot to pull off such a blockbuster, but if the Sox could swing it, it would solve two big needs on the team right now. Those needs would be an impact bat and a middle-to-top of the rotation pitcher. With the offense being the way it's been lately, a bat like V-Mart would be a huge help. If he can learn to catch the knuckler, all the better. Cliff Lee may not be Roy Halladay, but acquiring him would be like having another Beckett or Lester and three of those high-quality starters is better than two. Why do we need another starter? After Beckett and Lester, all the Sox have are a bunch of question marks, especially when you consider the post-season. Penny has made a significant contribution this season, but he's a 5-6 inning starter and a #5 on a contending team like the Red Sox. Wake's on the DL and historically has struggled in October. Smoltz--I'm just not convinced he's the solution the front office had hoped he'd be. Buchholz is still finding his way at the major league level and may get dealt in a trade. And Dice-K, he's the biggest question mark of all!
2. The Sox are in the mix for Roy Halladay: Getting a premier pitcher like Roy Halladay would be awesome. However, the haul the Jays would require for him would make getting another bat all but impossible. If the Sox are willing to live with Adam LaRoche as a power bat off the bench--and his career second-half numbers suggest he could be a big contributor--then they could go all out for Halladay. It's possible a salary-dump bat could be had in addition to Doc, possibly Rios, Wells, Rolen, or Scutaro. Scutaro is particularly appealing, given his success as a leadoff hitter.
3. The Sox are knocking down the doors in San Diego in pursuit of Adrian Gonzalez: Gonzalez is a guy who can help the club both now and in the future. He's just 27 and he's hitting balls out of the cavernous Petco Park to the tune of 26 so far this year. The snag in the plan is whether or not the Padres are willing to deal a franchise player and risk alienating their fanbase.
4. The Sox are on the lookout for a right-handed outfielder: With the loss of Kotsay and with Baldelli's health issues, that might not be such a bad idea. The names being kicked around are Cody Ross and Willie Bloomquist. Their batting averages are almost identical, but Ross has the power while Bloomquist can steal some bases. How about Josh Willingham? Those two grand salamis last night were pretty awesome, weren't they? He bats just a shade under .300 and has 16 HR and 39 RBI on the season. Only drawback with him is he's a left fielder and I believe the Sox are looking more to shore up right and possibly center field. That and will the Nats move him?
The next few days are going to be verrrrry interesting...
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!!!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
You've Got to Get There First...
When the Sox signed John Smoltz in the off-season, it was with October in mind. He's a proven post-season performer over his long career. That being said, he's also 42 years old and trying to come back from major shoulder surgery. The Braves, for whom Smoltz has played for his entire career up until now, elected to pass on offering him another contract to try and come back from injury and surgery. The Red Sox, who have a penchant for low-risk, high-reward experiments, thought that there was a good enough chance Smoltz would return to his Hall of Fame-bound form just in time for the stretch run and the post-season. Hope springs eternal for the likes of the Red Sox front office. After all, he was much cheaper than, say, Mark Teixeira.
Fast forward to today, July 26, after Smoltz has made his 6th start as a Red Sox. The picture is not so pretty. He is 1-4 with a 7.04 ERA and has given up 6 runs in each of his last two starts, digging the sluggish Sox offense into a hole they cannot climb out of, especially against those big, bad rookie righties. Now, if he were with a team like the Royals, the Padres, or the Nats, they could afford to give him the whole rest of the season to try to work out the kinks. There's no pennant race to worry about for them. The Red Sox, on the other hand, are battling it out in the toughest division in baseball for two (or possibly only one) playoff spots. The have lost the division lead to the Yankees and the Rays aren't too far behind them. They can't afford to throw out a guy every five days who is likely to give up a bunch of runs, especially with the lack of firepower in their offense. With Wake on the DL right now, there aren't a whole lot of options, since Buchholz is already filling one spot in the rotation. That's why a Halladay deal, as unlikely as it is to happen, is very appealing. A rotation with Halladay, Beckett, and Lester as the 1-2-3, would be fierce and could tip the balance of power in the division in the Red Sox' favor, not to mention their chances of winning another World Series or two in the next two years. With Wake and Penny filling the bottom two spots, the Sox would no longer need to continue the Smoltz experiment.
However, with the offense lacking a certain amount of oomph (and suffering a baffling case of rookiephobia), it would appear a big-name, sexy bat would be the priority. V-Mart and Adrian Gonzalez are the two that seem to be on the top of Epstein's list and those would be some sweet additions to the lineup. Sox newbie Adam LaRoche, if his second half numbers hold true, could help them out as well. In his first two games, LaRoche has three hits, including a two-run dinger last night that put the game out of reach for the O's. If the Sox were to land V-Mart or Gonzalez, however, the new #23 might not be in Boston for long. He could end up being flipped to the Tribe or the Pads in a deal for one of those prized sluggers.
Speaking of wearers of #23, Julio Lugo, now a St. Louis Cardinal, has started off hot for his new team. He hit a triple and homered his first game, and has gone 8-for-14 in the series against the Phils, including a 4-hit game yesterday. He has traditionally been a Philly-killer, however, so it remains to be seen how well he'll do from here on out. Sometimes, though, a change of scenery makes a huge difference for a player. New team, new fans, new management styles, all of those come into play and I wish Julio the best. Another Sox castoff, David Aardsma, has thrived in Seattle after struggling mightily in Boston.
The A's are coming into town this week for a four-gamer. Come on, boys, let's try to at least take 3 of 4.
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!
Fast forward to today, July 26, after Smoltz has made his 6th start as a Red Sox. The picture is not so pretty. He is 1-4 with a 7.04 ERA and has given up 6 runs in each of his last two starts, digging the sluggish Sox offense into a hole they cannot climb out of, especially against those big, bad rookie righties. Now, if he were with a team like the Royals, the Padres, or the Nats, they could afford to give him the whole rest of the season to try to work out the kinks. There's no pennant race to worry about for them. The Red Sox, on the other hand, are battling it out in the toughest division in baseball for two (or possibly only one) playoff spots. The have lost the division lead to the Yankees and the Rays aren't too far behind them. They can't afford to throw out a guy every five days who is likely to give up a bunch of runs, especially with the lack of firepower in their offense. With Wake on the DL right now, there aren't a whole lot of options, since Buchholz is already filling one spot in the rotation. That's why a Halladay deal, as unlikely as it is to happen, is very appealing. A rotation with Halladay, Beckett, and Lester as the 1-2-3, would be fierce and could tip the balance of power in the division in the Red Sox' favor, not to mention their chances of winning another World Series or two in the next two years. With Wake and Penny filling the bottom two spots, the Sox would no longer need to continue the Smoltz experiment.
However, with the offense lacking a certain amount of oomph (and suffering a baffling case of rookiephobia), it would appear a big-name, sexy bat would be the priority. V-Mart and Adrian Gonzalez are the two that seem to be on the top of Epstein's list and those would be some sweet additions to the lineup. Sox newbie Adam LaRoche, if his second half numbers hold true, could help them out as well. In his first two games, LaRoche has three hits, including a two-run dinger last night that put the game out of reach for the O's. If the Sox were to land V-Mart or Gonzalez, however, the new #23 might not be in Boston for long. He could end up being flipped to the Tribe or the Pads in a deal for one of those prized sluggers.
Speaking of wearers of #23, Julio Lugo, now a St. Louis Cardinal, has started off hot for his new team. He hit a triple and homered his first game, and has gone 8-for-14 in the series against the Phils, including a 4-hit game yesterday. He has traditionally been a Philly-killer, however, so it remains to be seen how well he'll do from here on out. Sometimes, though, a change of scenery makes a huge difference for a player. New team, new fans, new management styles, all of those come into play and I wish Julio the best. Another Sox castoff, David Aardsma, has thrived in Seattle after struggling mightily in Boston.
The A's are coming into town this week for a four-gamer. Come on, boys, let's try to at least take 3 of 4.
LET'S GO RED SOX!!!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Dr. Hitmore and the Home Plate Bonfire
In times where the Red Sox offense is looking like a candidate for a federal bailout package and games are as depressing to watch as the nightly news, sometimes the only way to stay sane is to have a good laugh. In the spirit of making fun of a bad situation, gather 'round for a little story about an old friend:
Dr. Hitmore and the Home Plate Bonfire
Something's burning in Texas. Is that smoke wafting up from the Rangers ballpark in Arlington? Let's take a closer look... Yes, he's at it again! Dr. Ulysses William (U. Will for short) Hitmore is back and he's brought a blowtorch with him.
Dr. Hitmore (standing over home plate): You can drop your bat right here, Mr. Ellsbury. (Ells drops bat and lets it fall right on top of the plate) Now, Mr. Pedroia, you're next.
Pedey: What's this all about, Doc?
Dr. Hitmore: It's catharsis, young Mr. Pedroia. Something evil this way has come and it's gotten into this team's offense. Now, may I have your bat? (Pedey dumps his bat on top of Ellsbury's). Thank you, Mr. Pedroia. Now, Mr. Youkilis, you're next. (Youk adds his bat to the pile). Mr. Ortiz
Papi: This crazy, man!
Dr. Hitmore: It may seem a trifle unorthodox, Mr. Ortiz, but the time has come to relinquish the instruments of our torment. (Papi drops his bat) Mr. Bay, you're up. (J-Bay drops his bat)
Mr. Drew. (JD drops his bat) Mr. Lowell...Mr. Varitek...Mr. Lowrie... (Lowell, Tek, and Lowrie drop their bats). Now for the bench...Mr. Green, Mr. Kotsay, Mr. Kottaras, Mr. Baldelli. (Green, Kotsay, Kottaras, and Baldelli add their bats to the pile) Thank you, gentlemen. Now, the pyrotechnics! But wait! Before we do that, I need to pass out these (pulls Yankees and Rays voodoo dolls out of his bag)
Youk: Those voodoo dolls?
Papi: I think this dude watch "Major League" too many times!
Pedey: Can I have A-Rod?
Lowell: I'll take Teixeira. I was almost traded 'cuz of him.
Tek: I'll take that Usain Bolt wannabe from the Rays. Dude stole like six bases on me.
Dr. Hitmore: I assume you mean Mr. Crawford.
Tek: Yeah, Crawford. I'll take him.
Dr. Hitmore: Any other requests?
Kotsay: I'll take Eva Longoria! She's pretty hot!
Dr. Hitmore (to himself) : Methinks this Mr. Kotsay fancies himself as the second coming of Mr. Millar. (to Kotsay) You must be mistaken. Ms. Longoria is, what do you call it, a Despicable Housewife? You may have Evan Longoria.
Kotsay: Desperate, Doc. She's a Desperate Housewife.
Papi: I take Garza. He scary, man!
Youk: Joba the Hutt for me, Doc.
Dr. Hitmore: If no one else has any preferences, I will distribute the rest of the dolls. Here, Mr. Bay, you get Mr. Bartlett. Mr. Lowrie, you get Mr. Jeter. Mr. Ellsbury, I have Mr. Upton for you. Mr. Drew, please take Mr. Swisher. Mr. Green, meet Mr. Pena. Mr. Baldelli, you get Mr. Matsui. Mr. Kottaras, you have Mr. Posada. Now, gentlemen, when I light this pile of refuse on fire, you will begin punishing your voodoo dolls. You may throw them down, step on them, shake them, or even throw them onto the fire. This ritual will release the evil spirits that have robbed you of the ability to hit the ball into the gaps and drive in runs. (turns on blowtorch and ignites the pile of bats)
Pedey: Sweet! A bonfire!
Youk: Take this, Joba! (Twists the head off of the Joba Chamberlain voodoo doll and throws it into the fire)
Dr. Hitmore: That's the spirit, Mr. Youkilis!
Tek: (snaps legs off of Carl Crawford doll) Can't run on me now, can ya, pal?
Papi: (twists off Garza's right arm) Now you gotta pitch lefty, man! Ha ha ha!
Kotsay: (to his Evan Longoria doll) You're no Eva, buddy! (Throws him down and steps on him)
Lowell: Nice knowing ya, Tex (chucks Teixeira doll into the fire)
J.D.: Man, this voodoo thing's nuts. See ya, Swish (tosses Swish into the fire).
Pedey: So, what's next, the primal scream?
Dr. Hitmore: Excellent idea, Mr. Pedroia. All the better for banishing the evil spirits. Now, on the count of three, everyone scream at the top of your lungs. Let all that bad energy out so the good energy can come in. One...two...three! (Pandemonium breaks loose as everyone screams and starts throwing things. Pedey raids the bag with the rest of the voodoo dolls and starts hurling them in all directions. Papelbon and the rest of the pitching staff come out of the clubhouse and join in the ruckus.)
Pap: Dude, this is one rockin' party! Anyone up for a jig?
Dr. Hitmore and the Home Plate Bonfire
Something's burning in Texas. Is that smoke wafting up from the Rangers ballpark in Arlington? Let's take a closer look... Yes, he's at it again! Dr. Ulysses William (U. Will for short) Hitmore is back and he's brought a blowtorch with him.
Dr. Hitmore (standing over home plate): You can drop your bat right here, Mr. Ellsbury. (Ells drops bat and lets it fall right on top of the plate) Now, Mr. Pedroia, you're next.
Pedey: What's this all about, Doc?
Dr. Hitmore: It's catharsis, young Mr. Pedroia. Something evil this way has come and it's gotten into this team's offense. Now, may I have your bat? (Pedey dumps his bat on top of Ellsbury's). Thank you, Mr. Pedroia. Now, Mr. Youkilis, you're next. (Youk adds his bat to the pile). Mr. Ortiz
Papi: This crazy, man!
Dr. Hitmore: It may seem a trifle unorthodox, Mr. Ortiz, but the time has come to relinquish the instruments of our torment. (Papi drops his bat) Mr. Bay, you're up. (J-Bay drops his bat)
Mr. Drew. (JD drops his bat) Mr. Lowell...Mr. Varitek...Mr. Lowrie... (Lowell, Tek, and Lowrie drop their bats). Now for the bench...Mr. Green, Mr. Kotsay, Mr. Kottaras, Mr. Baldelli. (Green, Kotsay, Kottaras, and Baldelli add their bats to the pile) Thank you, gentlemen. Now, the pyrotechnics! But wait! Before we do that, I need to pass out these (pulls Yankees and Rays voodoo dolls out of his bag)
Youk: Those voodoo dolls?
Papi: I think this dude watch "Major League" too many times!
Pedey: Can I have A-Rod?
Lowell: I'll take Teixeira. I was almost traded 'cuz of him.
Tek: I'll take that Usain Bolt wannabe from the Rays. Dude stole like six bases on me.
Dr. Hitmore: I assume you mean Mr. Crawford.
Tek: Yeah, Crawford. I'll take him.
Dr. Hitmore: Any other requests?
Kotsay: I'll take Eva Longoria! She's pretty hot!
Dr. Hitmore (to himself) : Methinks this Mr. Kotsay fancies himself as the second coming of Mr. Millar. (to Kotsay) You must be mistaken. Ms. Longoria is, what do you call it, a Despicable Housewife? You may have Evan Longoria.
Kotsay: Desperate, Doc. She's a Desperate Housewife.
Papi: I take Garza. He scary, man!
Youk: Joba the Hutt for me, Doc.
Dr. Hitmore: If no one else has any preferences, I will distribute the rest of the dolls. Here, Mr. Bay, you get Mr. Bartlett. Mr. Lowrie, you get Mr. Jeter. Mr. Ellsbury, I have Mr. Upton for you. Mr. Drew, please take Mr. Swisher. Mr. Green, meet Mr. Pena. Mr. Baldelli, you get Mr. Matsui. Mr. Kottaras, you have Mr. Posada. Now, gentlemen, when I light this pile of refuse on fire, you will begin punishing your voodoo dolls. You may throw them down, step on them, shake them, or even throw them onto the fire. This ritual will release the evil spirits that have robbed you of the ability to hit the ball into the gaps and drive in runs. (turns on blowtorch and ignites the pile of bats)
Pedey: Sweet! A bonfire!
Youk: Take this, Joba! (Twists the head off of the Joba Chamberlain voodoo doll and throws it into the fire)
Dr. Hitmore: That's the spirit, Mr. Youkilis!
Tek: (snaps legs off of Carl Crawford doll) Can't run on me now, can ya, pal?
Papi: (twists off Garza's right arm) Now you gotta pitch lefty, man! Ha ha ha!
Kotsay: (to his Evan Longoria doll) You're no Eva, buddy! (Throws him down and steps on him)
Lowell: Nice knowing ya, Tex (chucks Teixeira doll into the fire)
J.D.: Man, this voodoo thing's nuts. See ya, Swish (tosses Swish into the fire).
Pedey: So, what's next, the primal scream?
Dr. Hitmore: Excellent idea, Mr. Pedroia. All the better for banishing the evil spirits. Now, on the count of three, everyone scream at the top of your lungs. Let all that bad energy out so the good energy can come in. One...two...three! (Pandemonium breaks loose as everyone screams and starts throwing things. Pedey raids the bag with the rest of the voodoo dolls and starts hurling them in all directions. Papelbon and the rest of the pitching staff come out of the clubhouse and join in the ruckus.)
Pap: Dude, this is one rockin' party! Anyone up for a jig?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)