Dr. Hitmore and the Home Plate Bonfire

In times where the Red Sox offense is looking like a candidate for a federal bailout package and games are as depressing to watch as the nightly news, sometimes the only way to stay sane is to have a good laugh. In the spirit of making fun of a bad situation, gather 'round for a little story about an old friend:

Dr. Hitmore and the Home Plate Bonfire

Something's burning in Texas. Is that smoke wafting up from the Rangers ballpark in Arlington? Let's take a closer look... Yes, he's at it again! Dr. Ulysses William (U. Will for short) Hitmore is back and he's brought a blowtorch with him.

Dr. Hitmore (standing over home plate): You can drop your bat right here, Mr. Ellsbury. (Ells drops bat and lets it fall right on top of the plate) Now, Mr. Pedroia, you're next.

Pedey: What's this all about, Doc?

Dr. Hitmore: It's catharsis, young Mr. Pedroia. Something evil this way has come and it's gotten into this team's offense. Now, may I have your bat? (Pedey dumps his bat on top of Ellsbury's). Thank you, Mr. Pedroia. Now, Mr. Youkilis, you're next. (Youk adds his bat to the pile). Mr. Ortiz

Papi: This crazy, man!

Dr. Hitmore: It may seem a trifle unorthodox, Mr. Ortiz, but the time has come to relinquish the instruments of our torment. (Papi drops his bat) Mr. Bay, you're up. (J-Bay drops his bat)
Mr. Drew. (JD drops his bat) Mr. Lowell...Mr. Varitek...Mr. Lowrie... (Lowell, Tek, and Lowrie drop their bats). Now for the bench...Mr. Green, Mr. Kotsay, Mr. Kottaras, Mr. Baldelli. (Green, Kotsay, Kottaras, and Baldelli add their bats to the pile) Thank you, gentlemen. Now, the pyrotechnics! But wait! Before we do that, I need to pass out these (pulls Yankees and Rays voodoo dolls out of his bag)

Youk: Those voodoo dolls?

Papi: I think this dude watch "Major League" too many times!

Pedey: Can I have A-Rod?

Lowell: I'll take Teixeira. I was almost traded 'cuz of him.

Tek: I'll take that Usain Bolt wannabe from the Rays. Dude stole like six bases on me.

Dr. Hitmore: I assume you mean Mr. Crawford.

Tek: Yeah, Crawford. I'll take him.

Dr. Hitmore: Any other requests?

Kotsay: I'll take Eva Longoria! She's pretty hot!

Dr. Hitmore (to himself) : Methinks this Mr. Kotsay fancies himself as the second coming of Mr. Millar. (to Kotsay) You must be mistaken. Ms. Longoria is, what do you call it, a Despicable Housewife? You may have Evan Longoria.

Kotsay: Desperate, Doc. She's a Desperate Housewife.

Papi: I take Garza. He scary, man!

Youk: Joba the Hutt for me, Doc.

Dr. Hitmore: If no one else has any preferences, I will distribute the rest of the dolls. Here, Mr. Bay, you get Mr. Bartlett. Mr. Lowrie, you get Mr. Jeter. Mr. Ellsbury, I have Mr. Upton for you. Mr. Drew, please take Mr. Swisher. Mr. Green, meet Mr. Pena. Mr. Baldelli, you get Mr. Matsui. Mr. Kottaras, you have Mr. Posada. Now, gentlemen, when I light this pile of refuse on fire, you will begin punishing your voodoo dolls. You may throw them down, step on them, shake them, or even throw them onto the fire. This ritual will release the evil spirits that have robbed you of the ability to hit the ball into the gaps and drive in runs. (turns on blowtorch and ignites the pile of bats)

Pedey: Sweet! A bonfire!

Youk: Take this, Joba! (Twists the head off of the Joba Chamberlain voodoo doll and throws it into the fire)

Dr. Hitmore: That's the spirit, Mr. Youkilis!

Tek: (snaps legs off of Carl Crawford doll) Can't run on me now, can ya, pal?

Papi: (twists off Garza's right arm) Now you gotta pitch lefty, man! Ha ha ha!

Kotsay: (to his Evan Longoria doll) You're no Eva, buddy! (Throws him down and steps on him)

Lowell: Nice knowing ya, Tex (chucks Teixeira doll into the fire)

J.D.: Man, this voodoo thing's nuts. See ya, Swish (tosses Swish into the fire).

Pedey: So, what's next, the primal scream?

Dr. Hitmore: Excellent idea, Mr. Pedroia. All the better for banishing the evil spirits. Now, on the count of three, everyone scream at the top of your lungs. Let all that bad energy out so the good energy can come in. One...two...three! (Pandemonium breaks loose as everyone screams and starts throwing things. Pedey raids the bag with the rest of the voodoo dolls and starts hurling them in all directions. Papelbon and the rest of the pitching staff come out of the clubhouse and join in the ruckus.)

Pap: Dude, this is one rockin' party! Anyone up for a jig?