Notice I don't title this post "How to Play Baseball, by the 2014 Boston Red Sox". That's because this bunch isn't playing baseball. They've invented their own game and it's so bizarre and convoluted that I can't even come up with a name for this odd mutation of the traditional bat and ball game played on a diamond shape field.
Rule 1: The guy throwing the ball and the guys behind him in the field are on opposite teams. The fielders must endeavor to keep the ball from reaching the white square bag where the runner, their teammate, is headed. This is called the Keep-Away Principle.
Rule 2: If a ball is hit in the air, the fielders must allow it to drop to the ground so that their teammates can run around the diamond and touch as many white square bags as possible. This is the Gravity Rule
Rule 3: When there are men on base, the batter has several choices. He can:
a) swing at balls thrown his way that he cannot reach with his bat
b) watch three balls thrown his way sail right over the white pentagonal plate
c) if he should inadvertently make contact with the ball, it's okay as long as one of his teammates in the field can catch it or pick it up and throw it to the white square bag to his right before his foot touches said bag. Proceed to bag as slowly as possible.
Rule 4: He who stands on a mound of dirt and throws the ball to the guy standing next to the white pentagonal plate must either throw it directly over the plate or so far away from it that the guy with the bat cannot reach it.
Rule 5: Points are scored by the number of dropped balls, men left in the vicinity of the white bags after three outs are made, and most balls thrown far away from the pentagonal plate. If the guy with the bat hits it out of the yard, the guy on this hill gets bonus points.
Got it? Now go put on some uniforms and try to figure out who's on whose team. Looks of confusion are worth 5 points apiece. Hands thrown up in the air in abject frustration are worth 10. Play...something!
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