The Red Sox offense is on the schneid, the fritz, the down-low, the blink, whatever you want to call it. How have the players been handling the abject frustration of fruitless at-bat after fruitless at-bat?
Scene: The visitor's dugout in Citizen's Bank Park, Philadelphia, PA
Youk (angrily shoving away his bat and helmet): Goddamn it! I almost hit a single, but it didn't make it out of the infield.
Pedey: Oh please! I can top that. I almost hit a double yesterday but that kid in right field caught it.
Lackey: Hey, Papi, where's your pop? I thought Teets put you in the lineup to give me some run support?
Papi: (shaking his head) Straight up, down, and into some dude's glove, man.
Gonzo: I'm letting this team down. I can't even drive in runs anymore
Ells: I'm trying to get on base for you guys, but it's just not happening. Too bad I can't steal first.
Reddick: I'm doing my part and I'm just some kid up from AAA trying to get some playing time against lefties. Just put 9 of me in that lineup and I'll score us 15 runs like the good ol' days.
Tito: A lot of confidence you got for a rook who hit .230 in AAA. Now D-Mac, he hits with his right hand.
D-Mac: I try, man, but I kinda forgot how to hit in the off-season. I'm a lucky guy, cuz as long as I stand in the righty batter's box, my man Teets puts me in the lineup, right Uncle Cam?
Cam: I hear ya, bro. My Magic 8 Ball keeps telling me that I'm over the hill and it's time to retire.
Wake: Dude, I told you that thing was broken. It told me the same thing and look at me! I'm back in the rotation.
Cam: But it told Dice-K he needed Tommy John...
Wake: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Scoots: So guys, if someone gets on base before I come up, should I swing at the first pitch?
Everyone: NO!!!!
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